A Not So Little Hand In Mine

Last night as we discussed summer plans for the older boys -  great, far reaching plans that involved planes, trains and the boys going far away, alone - I thought, I can't believe I'm okay with this. Even the boys remarked, "you really will let us go? Well, Dad probably won't..."

Dad on phone minutes later...

"wow, what a great trip, I think they should go". 

The look between the two boys was one of jubilation with a dash of trepidation - okay, smidgen of trepidation - I have the dash of - oh my, what have we done?

Just when I was sure these boy/men were completely, positively pushing my hand, finger by finger, out of theirs, the fact that they are still willing to get a virtual hand squeeze of "it's okay, we think you are ready" made me smile.

Later the oldest came in to say good night, (much studying was left ahead and he just wanted to check-in before I conked out for the night) and plopped down on the corner of the bed to chat. I could not for the life of me tell you what he said, because what I saw was not my over 6 foot son - it was the little boy I remember in dappled Indiana sunlight.  When I said so, he laughed and brought out that dimpled cheek that plays hide and seek in pictures. There he was -  a little boy again. I wanted to say to that sweet vision, "wait, don't go!"

I love these big boy/men but thinking on those years of soft cheeks and belly giggling laughter makes my heart twinge - now their cheeks scratch and they argue over who has the tightest abs. But those twin little boys are still in there playing hide and seek.  All too soon that will be gone and they will be off seeking the future for themselves.

That boy/man - who gets stuck with a shirt two sizes too small,

because after a shirts and skins basketball game at lunch he ends up with someone else's shirt

 "everyone wears white, no one takes time to look for their own"

 (insert, girl ewww here) 

- is still willing to say goodnight, and squeeze my hand, reassuring me "I love you, it's okay."

Moments like these make me reflect on the vocation of parenting. It is not an easy thing to let go, but knowing that it is my vocation as a parent to nurture my children so that they can let go of our hands and fully reach for His, relieves the ache, and brings joy.

Fast, Pray, Give. Lent, the journey to joy.

Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6