Prayer or Profanity?

I have a prayer life in progress, I nurture it, feed it, tend it and it bears great fruit in my life.

Yet these same lips that utter thanks and praise can form an expletive in the blink of an eye. It is a failing.

Most often the site of my profanity is my kitchen (I can turn out a lovely feast, but not always, and certainly not even close to Ms. Stewart) and so I curse. Then, there is the car - and it is worse when I'm alone, though I have been known to blurt out an inappropriate adjective when accompanied by, well, anyone. I let it go because my heart is filled with prayer, so I thought.

Silly girl.

A peaceful tongue is a tree of life. But that which is immoderate will crush the spirit. Proverbs 15:4

Yesterday, in polite conversation with another mother I had met only briefly once before, I mentioned how thankful I was for my faith in troubled times and for the prayers so many have offered for my family. Quite honestly, I probably sounded a little too pious, verging on proud, when I blurted out what was in my heart - "I wish prayer was always first on my lips versus profanity". Yes, I could hear the pins dropping at JoAnn's three blocks away. Whoa, did I just say that - out loud - to another mother, one I barely new, one who didn't know the 'whole me' that could, maybe, somehow redeem the fact that I just admitted I curse, often.

My brain was doing back flips, me? The prayer chain moderator for years.
Me? The girl with the new blog about prayer.
Me? Hypocrite.
Yep, convicted right there. I was ashamed.

My weariness revealed my truth - I brought my sin (ouch, that stings) into the light - I am resolved to change.

I have been thinking a lot about grace and gifts because of Ann. And I thought, why do I sometimes meet mistakes, failings, interruptions - without grace? In those small moments of challenge - like when I witness the uncooked center of my muffins, again - I do not choose light, I choose darkness. Or in the inconsequential blip of unending car pool, I am slowed by another red light/inconsiderate driver/landscape truck - I choose darkness and refuse the light. Not always, but sometimes – and it sends shards of darkness into that moment, that space. It must change.

I choose prayer. Profanity must go.
I have my challenge and Lent is coming, I find strength in Lent, I'll need it.